13 things kids want parents to know after separation

1. We need to know you love us, will protect us, and won’t leave us.
2. Help us get organized for going back and forth. Be patient.
3. Listen to our questions and opinions even if you don’t agree.
4. Accept that we need a lot of time to adjust, even when we don’t show it.
5. Keep you conflicts and dislike of each other out of sight and earshot.
6. Keep us out of the middle of your problems. We are just kids.
7. Don’t ask us to spy, pass messages, or listen to you put-down the other parent.
8. Give us a chance to talk with kids who are also going through this.
9. Help us express our feelings and learn how to manage them.
10. Give us space and time to grieve the loss of our old life at our own pace.
11. Confide in people your own age. We are not your substitute spouse.
12. Tell us we aren’t at fault for your problems. We can’t fix them either.
13. Show us its OK to love and want to be with both of you.

Copyright: Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. Exerpted from “Divorce from the Kids’ Point of View” NCFR Report, December 2007.

We recommend Isolina Ricci’s website and books "Mom’s House, Dad’s House" and "Mom’s House Dad’s House for Kids".

Divorce or Separation - Collaboration vs Litigation

	Collaborative	Litigation
Who controls the process	You and your spouse control the process and make final decisions	Judge controls the process and makes final decisions
Degree of Adversity	You and your spouse pledge mutual respect and openness.   You agree not to fight	Court process is based on an adversarial system
Cost	Costs are manageable, usually less expensive than litigation; team model is financially efficient in use of experts	Costs are unpredictable and can escalate rapidly including frequency of post-judgement litigation
Timetable	You and your spouse create the timetable	Judge sets the timetable; often delays given crowded court.  Can be delays in receiving judgment even after your case is tried
Use of Outside Experts	Jointly retained specialists provide information and guidance helping you and your spouse develop informed, mutually beneficial solutions, based on what is best for your family	Separate experts are hired to support the litigants’ positions, often at great expense to each
Involvement of Lawyers	Your lawyers work toward a mutually created settlement	Lawyers fight to win, but someone loses
Privacy	The process, discussion and negotiation details are kept private	Dispute becomes a matter of public record and, sometimes, media attention.  Even if names are removed sometimes it can be easy to tell who it is because of the facts of the case
Facilitation of Communication	Team of Collaborative Practice specialists educate and assist you and your spouse on how to effectively communicate with each other	No process designed to facilitate communication
Voluntary vs Mandatory	Voluntary	Mandatory if no agreement
Lines of Communication	You and your spouse communicate directly with the assistance of members of your team	You and your spouse negotiate through your lawyers
Court Involvement	Outside court	Court based

What is Collaborative Law?

The primary purpose of Collaborative Practice or Collaborative Divorce is to offer you and your former spouse or partner a respectful divorce or separation -  A Divorce with Dignity. If you have children, a respectful divorce is more likely to result in you having a better ongoing parenting relationship.

You receive support, guidance, advice and protection from your own independent lawyers. 
A fundamental requirement of Collaborative Law is that if you cannot reach an out of court settlement, the lawyers who have acted in the Collaborative process cannot go to court with you.

As a result, lawyers engaged in Collaborative Divorce are motivated solely towards helping you achieve a fair, out of court settlement that is right for you and your family.

Click here to view a short presentation on the benefits of Collaborative Law...
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals